TRANSFORMING ANGER

When we are angry, three things are happening. (1) We are upset because we are not getting our needs met. (2) We are blaming someone or something alse for not getting what we want. (3) We are about to speak or act in such a way that will almost guarantee we will not get what we need, or we will later regret. When we are angry, we focus almost completely on what we don't want and our thinking is caught in images of the wrongness of others that are involved. We have lost sight of what we really do want and need. Using the following steps you will learn how to change this pattern and connect with the life-serving of anger.

10 STEPS IN TRANSFORMING ANGER INTO COMPASSIONATE CONECTION

STEP 1: THINK OF ANGER AS A RED LIGHT ON YOUR DASHBOARD.

Anger is like a warning light on your car's dashboard and if you attend to it promptly, you're more likely to get where you want to go. Anger can be a wonderful wake up call to help you understand what you need and what you value. Like warning lights and gauges, your emotions and the felt-sense in your body are there to help you understand which of your needs are being met, or not being met. So, when tempers flare or voilence looms, it helps to remember that you can make life enjoyable for yourself and others if you focus your attention on what you need and put aside any ideas of the other as "wrong" or images of them as the "enemy". Make it your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also.

STEP 2: LOOK CLEARLY AT WHAT HAPPENED.

In this step you take a clear look at what you are reacting to. When you can objectively describe what happened, you are more likely to be clear about what you need. Other people are less likely to respond defensively because they can more easily agree with what you've said. So, the second step in dealing with a charged situation is to be able to state a clear observation of the situation itself.

STEP 3: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW YOU FEEL.

Use your anger to remind yourself to stop, and look under tour hood and your heart to find out what needs attention. Keep in mind that other people's actions can never "make" you feel any certain way. Anger result from focusing your attention on what another person "should" or "shouldn't" to, and judging them as "wrong" or "bad". As your attention shifts to identifying which of your needs aren't being sastified in a situation your feelings will shift also.

STEP 4: "NAME THE BLAME" AND GET CLEAR WHAT YOU FEEL.

When you're angry you are likely to have "blame taking", going on in your head. Inside of "blame taking" you have emotions and these are caused by unmet needs. When you can get conciuos of your "blame statement", you can begin to explore which of your need are going "unmet". Separating your feelings from your judgement of others is an inportant of getting clear about your needs and moving into action to get them met.

STEP 5: DETERMINE YOUR NEED.

The beauty of being able to correctly interpret your feelings as a warning signals is that once you discover what you need, you are backin powerful position to act towards getting your needs met! Having named your needs, spend a while really noticing how important reliability is to you, how you yearn for it, how much more satisfting life is when that need is satisfied.

STEP 6: FIND THE DO BEHIND THE DON'T.

When we are angry, we often focus on the behaviour that we want the other person to stop. but this is similar to wanting your car to nstop overheating. You can want your car to stop overheating, bur you;re stuck with a car that overheats until you identify what needs to be fixed and take the action needed to fix it.

STEP 7: THINK OF A CLEAR ACTION REQUEST.

Earlier, you saw that angry people think they're angry because other people made them angry. Now you harness the power to undo the misconception, and focus on the power you and others have - the power to deliberately make life more wonderful through the use of a "present tense" request.

STEP 8: NAME THEIR FEELINGS AND NEEDS.

If you really want to reliably meet your own needs, it is important to make sure that the other person's needs are met as well. this setep is about demonstrating your understanding and your needs can never be fully met at someone else's expense. It is about shining the light of awareness on your own feelings, needs and request, and also shining it on people have on your feelings, needs and requests, and also shining it on people in your life as well.

STEPS 9: DECIDE WHOSE NEED YOU WILL TALK ABOUT FIRST.

Think big. Enjoy imagining that everybody's need will be understood and honoured - no one will "win" at someone else's expense. the prosess is complete only after both people have been heard and understood, and walk away satisfied.

STEP 10: NOW START TALKING.

Ask yourself before you start talking: Are you clear about what you're reacting to? Are you in touch with your feelings and needs? Do you have a hunch about the other person's feelings, needs and values? Do you know what you want to have happen next? The other person want understanding for their needs. Telling a person that you hear what they want is not the same as agreeing to do it. By hearing what they want, you make sure you understand clearly so you can let them know how you are about doing it. When you demonstrate what you really understand they feel and need, you will be amazed how quickly they will trust that their needs are important to you, a d as a result will be open to considering your needs in return. They are likely to be more receptive to variuos strategies for meeting their needs.

Source: Borneo Post: Nature & Health

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894

Well then...what is the benefit of being angry?
Stay focus and always be happy.............